Rising Above Fear

I’ve spent most of the past four+ years letting fear dictate my life. It has controlled what I do, what I think, how I feel, and my relationships with other people.

Recently I found out that I am pregnant. A new fear has come up. Ironically, it is the fear of passing the fear disease to my child.

Overcoming this seemingly all-encompassing fear that has ruled my life for too long has never been more urgent.

From now on, I am going to put more focus on things that help me become stronger and better, as opposed to fueling the fire of giving attention to the fear itself.

“It may look as if the situation is creating the suffering, but ultimately this is not so – your resistance is.” – Eckhart Tolle

I discovered an amazing radio show recently called Invisibilia. There is an episode called Fearless and I highly recommend it. At the end of the show, they gave a formula for fear. It is so simple, and because of its truth and simplicity makes so much sense.

Time + Thinking = Fear

Click here to check out Invisibila.

Thank you for reading. ❤ Artemis


Well, I guess I’m pregnant

Woah. What a crazy few days it’s been. As the title says, I’m pregnant. Wasn’t expecting that. I am pro-choice, but am not considering abortion for myself, so, I guess I might be having a kid. It’s a lot to take in. And I’m freaking out especially because I don’t know how I’m going to cope with pregnancy/raising a child while dealing with the panic/agoraphobia, etc.

But on one hand, I have kept thinking that it could be a really good thing. I am no longer the most important person…. So, I guess I’ll just take it one day at a time and see what happens. Any advice would be amazing. Thank you. ❤ Artemis

Searching for a Greater Purpose

Wine, bubble bath, candles, chain smoking and Nina Simone all at the same time. That’s what I did this evening. It sounds nice, right? I thought the idea sounded fabulous after the frantic day I had.

When I say frantic, I don’t mean I was running around like mad. My insides were. Panicked, trapped, afraid, restless and in one of the most heightened states of despondency I’ve been in in quite some time.

I told my grandmother once that I was feeling depressed. She told me that she preferred the word despondent – so now I use the word despondent instead of depressed.

I’ve been listening to Pandora and trying to put Jaron Lanier’s distaste of algorithms out of my mind. Sure it’s depersonalizing, perhaps even somewhat dehumanizing but I don’t care right now.

A lyric from a song I don’t know that is playing just said, “I’m afraid to die.”

I’m not afraid to die.

I’m just anxious that I don’t die before finishing my book.

It’s the only thing I feel gives my life any meaning.

At least, gives my existence meaning.

Yet despite this fact, I feel I’m keeping my best ideas bottled up in my head.

They need to come out.

I’m not procrastinating – not really.

Maybe I am.

I’m not sure. Either way, I don’t think I would still be alive without feeling that sense of purpose.

Maybe I’m afraid that if I do one great thing, that will outlive me, I won’t need to be here anymore.

So I put more than enough effort into research and brainstorming.

Give me 48 hours and I can finish a fucking novel.

I type 240 words per minute and my brain is never short of ideas.

But I stop myself because sometimes it feels like it’s all I have, and if I finish off my only passion that seems to give me a sense of purpose and meaning, then what’s left?

Stagnance, or maybe another idea. I don’t know.

Either way, I self-sabotage the speed of the work. But I still keep chipping away at it.

Anyway, the bath really was a good idea. Maybe the wine wasn’t the best idea. I don’t know why other than the fact that I don’t feel sober. I guess things could be worse.

It’s just that most of my waking hours are spent feeling fucked up and wanting to ground myself back into reality. So I don’t like not feeling sober.

I just have no fucking idea what I’m doing with myself other than whittling away at that novel and wishing I was making more progress, but letting the feeling of fear stop me. Because when I’m done, I’ll need something else to justify my existence. I wish that I could be satisfied with jsut being, not incessantly questioning my existence.

In the words of Kurt Vonnegut, “so it goes.”

P.S. I just announce I was done writing, but in all honesty I would like to add that I wish I had more wine.

Thank you for reading. ❤ Artemis

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Panic keeping me from seeing my mom at the emergency room.

I should be at the ER right now. My mom got taken in tonight. There were lots of ambulances, and she had to go.  I feel like I should be there. I can’t believe that I am so…. so messed up that I can’t go to my mom when she’s in the hospital.

I don’t know what to do.

Everyone that is normally around me is at the hospital with her.

I’m still not sure what’s wrong with her.

She keeps sending me really illegible texts, but the gist of them is asking if I am coming.

I want to go.

I really do.

I want to be there.

But I’m afraid that if I go, I’ll just end up panicking (probably before I even get there after driving a few blocks away from the house), that I’ll just be a bigger source of stress.

Or I’ll need to be checked in from freaking out so much, from the panic and terror.

Not to mention the ER was the place that initially set off my months of being unable to walk out the front door. It was the event that sort of put all of this in motion (it was bad before, but not this crippling).

I’m terrified of the ER. I’m terrified of everything.

And so I can’t be there for my mom.

I really love her.

I hope she’s okay.

I wish I was there with her so she could know how much I love her.

Thank you for reading ❤ Artemis

This is a song that my mom loves very much. She’s taken me to see The Psychadelic Furs quite a few times. Among many other 80’s new wave bands. The last show we went to before Patti Smith was Simple Minds in Hollywood early last year.

Panic Attack Cured by Tetris

I had a panic attack today, at home. I was relieved that it didn’t last a horribly long time. I don’t even know what set it off, other than I had an upset stomach and was kind of stressed out from a conversation I’d had with my mother earlier in the day.

I was just sitting on my bed, realized I was hungry, went to go find food, and just got really confused, nauseous and dizzy. I kind of stumbled around the kitchen, breathing quickly and feeling that awful terror feeling rising up in my being. I was so caught off guard by the feeling, that I just went into instant panic mode.

I began to feel so unreal.

My mind started looping, wondering why I’m a human being, why human beings exist, etc. etc.

Existential spiral.

Wondering what my purpose on the planet is.

Wondering if I’m losing my mind.

Spiraling, in loops, in circles.

Too many questions, not enough answers.

I ate some lentil soup, and played Tetris to try to make myself stop thinking.

It worked.

I calmed down.

I don’t like that I had a panic attack today, but I am glad that I was able to make it go away with some effort.

So, I started reading “No Exit” By Jean-Paul Sartre tonight.

I’m really enjoying it so far.

Hell is other people.

– Jean-Paul Sartre

Thanks for reading. ❤ Artemis

Why do I allow my failures to overshadow my successes?

I managed to get out of the house today. I went to an area that’s only a few blocks from the house. I was able to go into a vintage clothing store I’ve been wanting to go to for a long time. I bought an adorable cropped leather jacket that looks perfect with my corsets. I went to the fabric store and bought material to make new curtains and a mini-skirt. My boyfriend and I got coffee and bagels, and even went to a car lot to look at cars for me.

After a few hours I started getting anxious. My boyfriend wanted to go to a music store that was a few blocks away. He wanted to walk, and then I got really anxious. I started thinking about every possible scenario that things could go wrong. And how if we walked, we wouldn’t be able to quickly get back to the house. So I said that I wanted to drive, but then I started thinking about any red lights we might hit on the way, and started panicking and had to go home.

I was able to recover quickly after we got back to the house, and we walked to a park a block away and let my dog run around and threw the ball for her. It was really nice. I haven’t been able to do that in months. I haven’t been able to do any of that in months.

My boyfriend still wanted to go to the music store, and kept asking if I was okay to go yet… I kept trying to get it together to go, and finally thought I felt okay to go. When we got in the car, the car was going for about five seconds before I got a huge, overpowering jolt of panic and told him I didn’t think I could do it. He stopped the car, let me out, and said he’d see me in a bit.

Even though I did all of that stuff today (which is absolutely huge for me, and I haven’t been able to do those things in months, since May or June), I feel really upset with myself for not being able to go to the music store. I wanted to go, but I just got too panicked and terrified. I also feel embarrassed and ashamed that I wasn’t able to go. When I got out of the car and walked back to my door, I just wanted to kick myself. It was so painful and shameful.

I know I made progress today, but it feels like my failure completely overshadows any progress that I did make. I feel like a complete letdown. I keep asking myself why I can’t just be normal, and why I can’t seem to just be able to do simple things like ride in the car down the street to go to a music store without feeling doom in the pit of my stomach, like the entire fucking world is going to come crashing down around me and end if I continue on, or get too far away from my house.

Thanks for reading.

Love always, Artemis.

And of course, music to go along with how I feel.

The Earth is Not a Cold Dead Place – A Silver Mt. Zion

To better days.

I woke up today in a surprisingly good mood. Perhaps all of the negative emotions from the previous evening were so overwhelming that I made a 180. Also, I woke up to a really clean house, which always makes me beam with happiness.

I feel like my outer environment is an extension of my inner environment.

I woke up to coffee, and started making a to-do list for things I want to get done. I was also very pleased with myself for waking up before noon. Hell, before the sunset.

I’m still going to attempt to go out tonight. Even though I don’t leave for 9 hours, I’m already putting together my outfit and figuring out how I’m going to do my makeup. Going through all my corsets and trying to find a good one.

I get apprehensive a lot when I go out every week. It’s like, punk/goth night… It’s nice because since I’ve been going so regularly I feel like I know most of the people who go every week… and when I get anxiety there I usually feel comfortable with the people around. I’ve made some connections with some people who understand anxiety and are very sweet. I also love dancing, and music. And I find that it’s difficult to get anxiety when I’m dancing with someone. My boyfriend and I usually swing dance. And they play music like The Cure, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Christian Death, etc… Maybe not swing dancing music, but fun to swing dance to regardless. And usually there’s an after party that goes ’til 6 AM. I’m okay with it depending on the location. It changes every week. I guess it’s nice that I’m still invited to parties and social events. I think it’s mainly because I’m dating who I’m dating. He’s such a social person. He’s closing in on around a thousand facebook friends, all people who he knows in person (not one for internet friends). I’ve still been having a hard time with social events with him, mainly because of the other women. I’m not usually a jealous person, but I find it incredibly rude/disrespectful/annoying when women confess their love for my boyfriend when, you know, I’m right there. And there’s this added feeling of feeling nervous about not going to social events with him… it’s not that I don’t trust him, I just don’t trust other women. And I’m not exaggerating when I say there’s a lot of them. And it’s blatant and uncomfortable. Also, he wasn’t interested in monogamy before we started dating. I only do monogamy, and it was a big deal for him to settle down and date someone monogamously. I think he’s happy with me. Although I think he wishes that I got out more and did more things with him… But I’m glad that I’ve known him for so long. About thirteen years. He knew me back when I used to be crazy and out doing everything all the time. Apparently he’s had a crush on me for that long, which I think is cute. But then, so did my last boyfriend. I think I’ve only dated people from my past these past few years because I don’t go out and meet anyone new.

But I am very happy with him. He’s really sweet to me, and I can tell he loves me. Although, he doesn’t function very well in a home environment, and I feel like I am constantly having to teach him things, like the difference between shampoo and conditioner. But it’s a kind of cute rock star style obliviousness that adds to his charm.

Anyway, I feel like I’m rambling on about it.

Today I hope I can be productive in the house, and cross off all the stuff on my to-do list. And I hope that I can have fun tonight and not melt down in a mess of panic.

Here’s a song for a good day. Love, Artemis.