Rising Above Fear

I’ve spent most of the past four+ years letting fear dictate my life. It has controlled what I do, what I think, how I feel, and my relationships with other people.

Recently I found out that I am pregnant. A new fear has come up. Ironically, it is the fear of passing the fear disease to my child.

Overcoming this seemingly all-encompassing fear that has ruled my life for too long has never been more urgent.

From now on, I am going to put more focus on things that help me become stronger and better, as opposed to fueling the fire of giving attention to the fear itself.

“It may look as if the situation is creating the suffering, but ultimately this is not so – your resistance is.” – Eckhart Tolle

I discovered an amazing radio show recently called Invisibilia. There is an episode called Fearless and I highly recommend it. At the end of the show, they gave a formula for fear. It is so simple, and because of its truth and simplicity makes so much sense.

Time + Thinking = Fear

Click here to check out Invisibila.

Thank you for reading. ❤ Artemis

Pregnant and Agoraphobic

I finally made it to a clinic today for the pregnancy. It’s confirmed – I’m definitely pregnant, but I already knew that.

The whole event was incredibly stressful. It involved my boyfriend, my mother, my mothers friend and her daughter coaxing me into the car over the course of three hours while I cried and hyperventilated about driving to the clinic.

At several points I started screaming and trying to get out of the car.

But I made it.

I was fine at the clinic.

It was just driving there, and driving back that were really difficult for me.

I have no idea how I’m going to get through these next months.

I’m going to have to go to a lot of doctors visits.

My best friend is also pregnant, she is flying halfway across the country in two weeks to come help me go to appointments and to help me drive around and try to be there for me. I am so grateful for the wonderful people in my life.

I hope that I can be stronger than this.

I hope that I can overcome all of my weaknesses to get through this.

I’m also freaking out that I’m having twins because that runs in my family pretty strong.

Still trying to walk like thunder.

Still trying to be unstuck.

Still trying to be stronger than I’ve ever been.

Thank you for reading ❤ Artemis

I’ve posted this song before, but it keeps coming up for me… and keeps reminding me to be strong no matter what happens. Here’s another version that I love very much. I also like that Aesop Rock is on the track. I also got to meet him last month, which was pretty awesome for me.

Remember to walk like thunder, guys.

Well, I guess I’m pregnant

Woah. What a crazy few days it’s been. As the title says, I’m pregnant. Wasn’t expecting that. I am pro-choice, but am not considering abortion for myself, so, I guess I might be having a kid. It’s a lot to take in. And I’m freaking out especially because I don’t know how I’m going to cope with pregnancy/raising a child while dealing with the panic/agoraphobia, etc.

But on one hand, I have kept thinking that it could be a really good thing. I am no longer the most important person…. So, I guess I’ll just take it one day at a time and see what happens. Any advice would be amazing. Thank you. ❤ Artemis

Searching for a Greater Purpose

Wine, bubble bath, candles, chain smoking and Nina Simone all at the same time. That’s what I did this evening. It sounds nice, right? I thought the idea sounded fabulous after the frantic day I had.

When I say frantic, I don’t mean I was running around like mad. My insides were. Panicked, trapped, afraid, restless and in one of the most heightened states of despondency I’ve been in in quite some time.

I told my grandmother once that I was feeling depressed. She told me that she preferred the word despondent – so now I use the word despondent instead of depressed.

I’ve been listening to Pandora and trying to put Jaron Lanier’s distaste of algorithms out of my mind. Sure it’s depersonalizing, perhaps even somewhat dehumanizing but I don’t care right now.

A lyric from a song I don’t know that is playing just said, “I’m afraid to die.”

I’m not afraid to die.

I’m just anxious that I don’t die before finishing my book.

It’s the only thing I feel gives my life any meaning.

At least, gives my existence meaning.

Yet despite this fact, I feel I’m keeping my best ideas bottled up in my head.

They need to come out.

I’m not procrastinating – not really.

Maybe I am.

I’m not sure. Either way, I don’t think I would still be alive without feeling that sense of purpose.

Maybe I’m afraid that if I do one great thing, that will outlive me, I won’t need to be here anymore.

So I put more than enough effort into research and brainstorming.

Give me 48 hours and I can finish a fucking novel.

I type 240 words per minute and my brain is never short of ideas.

But I stop myself because sometimes it feels like it’s all I have, and if I finish off my only passion that seems to give me a sense of purpose and meaning, then what’s left?

Stagnance, or maybe another idea. I don’t know.

Either way, I self-sabotage the speed of the work. But I still keep chipping away at it.

Anyway, the bath really was a good idea. Maybe the wine wasn’t the best idea. I don’t know why other than the fact that I don’t feel sober. I guess things could be worse.

It’s just that most of my waking hours are spent feeling fucked up and wanting to ground myself back into reality. So I don’t like not feeling sober.

I just have no fucking idea what I’m doing with myself other than whittling away at that novel and wishing I was making more progress, but letting the feeling of fear stop me. Because when I’m done, I’ll need something else to justify my existence. I wish that I could be satisfied with jsut being, not incessantly questioning my existence.

In the words of Kurt Vonnegut, “so it goes.”

P.S. I just announce I was done writing, but in all honesty I would like to add that I wish I had more wine.

Thank you for reading. ❤ Artemis


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Panic keeping me from seeing my mom at the emergency room.

I should be at the ER right now. My mom got taken in tonight. There were lots of ambulances, and she had to go.  I feel like I should be there. I can’t believe that I am so…. so messed up that I can’t go to my mom when she’s in the hospital.

I don’t know what to do.

Everyone that is normally around me is at the hospital with her.

I’m still not sure what’s wrong with her.

She keeps sending me really illegible texts, but the gist of them is asking if I am coming.

I want to go.

I really do.

I want to be there.

But I’m afraid that if I go, I’ll just end up panicking (probably before I even get there after driving a few blocks away from the house), that I’ll just be a bigger source of stress.

Or I’ll need to be checked in from freaking out so much, from the panic and terror.

Not to mention the ER was the place that initially set off my months of being unable to walk out the front door. It was the event that sort of put all of this in motion (it was bad before, but not this crippling).

I’m terrified of the ER. I’m terrified of everything.

And so I can’t be there for my mom.

I really love her.

I hope she’s okay.

I wish I was there with her so she could know how much I love her.

Thank you for reading ❤ Artemis

This is a song that my mom loves very much. She’s taken me to see The Psychadelic Furs quite a few times. Among many other 80’s new wave bands. The last show we went to before Patti Smith was Simple Minds in Hollywood early last year.

Panic Attack Cured by Tetris

I had a panic attack today, at home. I was relieved that it didn’t last a horribly long time. I don’t even know what set it off, other than I had an upset stomach and was kind of stressed out from a conversation I’d had with my mother earlier in the day.

I was just sitting on my bed, realized I was hungry, went to go find food, and just got really confused, nauseous and dizzy. I kind of stumbled around the kitchen, breathing quickly and feeling that awful terror feeling rising up in my being. I was so caught off guard by the feeling, that I just went into instant panic mode.

I began to feel so unreal.

My mind started looping, wondering why I’m a human being, why human beings exist, etc. etc.

Existential spiral.

Wondering what my purpose on the planet is.

Wondering if I’m losing my mind.

Spiraling, in loops, in circles.

Too many questions, not enough answers.

I ate some lentil soup, and played Tetris to try to make myself stop thinking.

It worked.

I calmed down.

I don’t like that I had a panic attack today, but I am glad that I was able to make it go away with some effort.

So, I started reading “No Exit” By Jean-Paul Sartre tonight.

I’m really enjoying it so far.

Hell is other people.

– Jean-Paul Sartre

Thanks for reading. ❤ Artemis