I think he would be happier without me.
I feel like I make him miserable.
I feel like I’m never going to be able to do all the things that he wants to do.
I feel like I’m alway going to be a let down.
I feel like I’m always going to have problems going places.
I feel like I’ll never be enough.
I feel like I bring more pain and misery to his life than happiness.
I don’t know if I can get over my issues.
Fuck, I really want to.
But I don’t know if I can.
I try really, really hard.
I don’t know if trying hard is good enough.
I don’t think it is.
It’s definitely not.
It’s not good enough.
I’m not good enough.
Nothing I do is good enough, no matter how hard I try.
Because I can’t get over these inner issues that I have.
The fear always fucking stops me.
And my fear inflicts pain and misery on the people I love.
I feel like I don’t deserve to have people in my life.
I feel like I don’t deserve to have a life at all.
I feel like I’m a huge inconvenience.
I feel like I’m an embarrassment.
I feel like a nuisance.
I feel like no matter what I do, I don’t get better.
I feel like I’m going mad.
I am mad.
I feel like escaping.
But there’s nowhere to escape to.
It makes me physically hurt to see him in so much pain.
Pain because of me.
Pain because I have problems.
I shouldn’t do that to him.
Maybe he would be happier without me.
I sure as hell don’t think I’m worth it.
I don’t know why anyone would want to be with me.
A fucking agoraphobic.
A fearful, dysfunctional, panicked agoraphobic.
What’s the point?
I hardly exist.
My existance is a fucking laugh.
I don’t know what anyone sees in me.
I’m not worth it.
I’m just afraid.
A fucking coward.
If I only had the nerve.
And inflicting this hurt on someone else is making me hate myself.
I hate myself for not being good enough.
I hate myself because I don’t push myself hard enough, and when I do push myself I melt down.
No one has patience for me, and I don’t blame them.
I’m a handful. Not a fun one.
No one wants to wait around for me to attempt to overcome “the terror.”
I don’t know why I’m still alive.
How is it that I still exist?
Is this even an existence?
What if I just stopped existing.
What if I just stopped.
I love him.
I don’t want to hurt him.
It seems like I can’t help but hurt him just because I am with him.
Being with me hurts.
Because I am hurting.
And I am afraid of fucking everything.
I feel undeserving of love.
I feel undeserving of attention.
I feel undeserving of acknowledgement.
I feel undeserving of anything good.
I don’t want to die.
I just want to stop existing.
I want to stop hurting the people I love.
I want to just stop.
I want to stop being afraid.
I want to be able to do things.