Right now I hate myself and I want to stop existing.

I think he would be happier without me.


I feel like I make him miserable.


I feel like I’m never going to be able to do all the things that he wants to do.


I feel like I’m alway going to be a let down.


I feel like I’m always going to have problems going places.


I feel like I’ll never be enough.


I feel like I bring more pain and misery to his life than happiness.


I don’t know if I can get over my issues.


Fuck, I really want to.


But I don’t know if I can.


I try really, really hard.


I don’t know if trying hard is good enough.


I don’t think it is.


It’s definitely not.


It’s not good enough.


I’m not good enough.


Nothing I do is good enough, no matter how hard I try.


Because I can’t get over these inner issues that I have.


The fear.


The fear always fucking stops me.


And my fear inflicts pain and misery on the people I love.


I feel like I don’t deserve to have people in my life.


I feel like I don’t deserve to have a life at all.


I feel like I’m a huge inconvenience.


I feel like I’m an embarrassment.


I feel like a nuisance.


I feel like no matter what I do, I don’t get better.


I feel like I’m going mad.


I am mad.


I feel like escaping.


But there’s nowhere to escape to.


It makes me physically hurt to see him in so much pain.


Pain because of me.


Pain because I have problems.


I shouldn’t do that to him.


Maybe he would be happier without me.


I sure as hell don’t think I’m worth it.


I don’t know why anyone would want to be with me.


A fucking agoraphobic.


A fearful, dysfunctional, panicked agoraphobic.


What’s the point?


I’m worthless.


I’m nothing.


I hardly exist.


My existance is a fucking laugh.


I don’t know what anyone sees in me.


I’m not worth it.


I’m just afraid.


A coward.


A fucking coward.


If I only had the nerve.


And inflicting this hurt on someone else is making me hate myself.


I hate myself for not being good enough.


I hate myself because I don’t push myself hard enough, and when I do push myself I melt down.


No one has patience for me, and I don’t blame them.


I’m a handful. Not a fun one.


No one wants to wait around for me to attempt to overcome “the terror.”


I don’t know why I’m still alive.


How is it that I still exist?


Is this even an existence?


What if I just stopped existing.


What if I just stopped.






I love him.


I don’t want to hurt him.


It seems like I can’t help but hurt him just because I am with him.


Being with me hurts.


Because I am hurting.


And I am afraid of fucking everything.


I feel undeserving of love.


I feel undeserving of attention.


I feel undeserving of acknowledgement.


I feel undeserving of anything good.


I don’t want to die.


I just want to stop existing.


I want to stop hurting the people I love.


I want to just stop.


I want to stop being afraid.


I want to be able to do things.




2 thoughts on “Right now I hate myself and I want to stop existing.

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