Right now I hate myself and I want to stop existing.

I think he would be happier without me.

 

I feel like I make him miserable.

 

I feel like I’m never going to be able to do all the things that he wants to do.

 

I feel like I’m alway going to be a let down.

 

I feel like I’m always going to have problems going places.

 

I feel like I’ll never be enough.

 

I feel like I bring more pain and misery to his life than happiness.

 

I don’t know if I can get over my issues.

 

Fuck, I really want to.

 

But I don’t know if I can.

 

I try really, really hard.

 

I don’t know if trying hard is good enough.

 

I don’t think it is.

 

It’s definitely not.

 

It’s not good enough.

 

I’m not good enough.

 

Nothing I do is good enough, no matter how hard I try.

 

Because I can’t get over these inner issues that I have.

 

The fear.

 

The fear always fucking stops me.

 

And my fear inflicts pain and misery on the people I love.

 

I feel like I don’t deserve to have people in my life.

 

I feel like I don’t deserve to have a life at all.

 

I feel like I’m a huge inconvenience.

 

I feel like I’m an embarrassment.

 

I feel like a nuisance.

 

I feel like no matter what I do, I don’t get better.

 

I feel like I’m going mad.

 

I am mad.

 

I feel like escaping.

 

But there’s nowhere to escape to.

 

It makes me physically hurt to see him in so much pain.

 

Pain because of me.

 

Pain because I have problems.

 

I shouldn’t do that to him.

 

Maybe he would be happier without me.

 

I sure as hell don’t think I’m worth it.

 

I don’t know why anyone would want to be with me.

 

A fucking agoraphobic.

 

A fearful, dysfunctional, panicked agoraphobic.

 

What’s the point?

 

I’m worthless.

 

I’m nothing.

 

I hardly exist.

 

My existance is a fucking laugh.

 

I don’t know what anyone sees in me.

 

I’m not worth it.

 

I’m just afraid.

 

A coward.

 

A fucking coward.

 

If I only had the nerve.

 

And inflicting this hurt on someone else is making me hate myself.

 

I hate myself for not being good enough.

 

I hate myself because I don’t push myself hard enough, and when I do push myself I melt down.

 

No one has patience for me, and I don’t blame them.

 

I’m a handful. Not a fun one.

 

No one wants to wait around for me to attempt to overcome “the terror.”

 

I don’t know why I’m still alive.

 

How is it that I still exist?

 

Is this even an existence?

 

What if I just stopped existing.

 

What if I just stopped.

 

Ceased.

 

Done.

 

I love him.

 

I don’t want to hurt him.

 

It seems like I can’t help but hurt him just because I am with him.

 

Being with me hurts.

 

Because I am hurting.

 

And I am afraid of fucking everything.

 

I feel undeserving of love.

 

I feel undeserving of attention.

 

I feel undeserving of acknowledgement.

 

I feel undeserving of anything good.

 

I don’t want to die.

 

I just want to stop existing.

 

I want to stop hurting the people I love.

 

I want to just stop.

 

I want to stop being afraid.

 

I want to be able to do things.

 

Help.

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