Feeling like a total failure. Lasted five minutes outside the house.

Today tried to leave my house for the first time in a week. Initially, I was able to get out of the door – which was successful in itself.

We were going to my boyfriends friends house. He lives six  blocks away or so – a girl was having a birthday party.

I think I made it five minutes before I started crying and had to leave.

I’m thankful that my boyfriend was so sweet about it.

 

I feel so dejected.

A failure.

The fear started to build in the car, when I looked up from picking out music and realized that we were not close to my house anymore. And we had to cross a bridge. I fucking hate bridges. They always give me these immediate jolts of panic that are hard to shake off.

Then when we got to the house, we were outside and it was cold, and I started worrying because I’ve been sick the past few weeks, and I felt dehydrated, and I realized I hadn’t eaten anything all day and was tired because I spent about 8 hours doing major cleaning in the house.

I just wish I could be normal.

Go outside.

Go to a small get together and be able to not break down crying within five minutes because I can’t handle it because it’s not at my house.

I wish that I was better.

I feel so ashamed.

Embarassed.

This feeling is awful.

I’m not panicked anymore.

I still panicked even though I took a lot more medication than I normally would. The panic still was able to cross the barriers of benzo’s. Great.

I probably would have been fine if I had been drinking, but I really hate drinking, and I have been sick so didn’t want to make myself worse.

I’ve also been  craving social interaction lately. I want to be out and about with people. I want to make new friends, and reconnect with old ones.What gives? Why can’t I just keep my shit together like everyone else?

I hate crying in front of people. I hate their pity. I don’t want to be pitied. I get so embarrassed. Now that I’m home, I just feel totally worthless and embarrassed, and I don’t want this to happen again! I’m supposed to go out tomorrow night, for my weekly outing… and the next night to a concert (which is only a block away from my house, which is amazing, and a rock n roll icon I’m overjoyed to see, but still afraid that I’ll have to leave). What gives? I know this isn’t who I am. This is NOT me. Anyway, thanks for listening. I’m going to leave you with the song that was able to calm me down on the drive back to my house.

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12 thoughts on “Feeling like a total failure. Lasted five minutes outside the house.

  1. As a fellow agoraphobic I sympathise with you here. Are you having any form of therapy or treatment? If not, I seriously recommend seeing someone. It doesn’t always feel like it’s working, but it gets you heading in the right direction. I hope you’re well and feeling more positive.

    Pop.

    1. Thank you. I have been seeing a therapist who comes to my house, but she has been unavailable for the past month… hopefully will be starting that back up soon. I’ve been actively seeking help for years, it’s just been so frustrating finding someone… I’ve been happy with my therapist, but long stretches without seeing her is kind of rough.

      1. I bet that’s hard having a therapist go off like that. You’re in the US yes? Our medical system is very different over here (UK). I don’t see my psychiatrist that often but I’d really struggle if my psychotherapist or support worker went off for more than a week or so.

      2. Yes, I’m in the US. I used to see a psychiatrist regularly, but a lot of things happened and was unable to make it to the location anymore… I’ve been struggling with going further than a few blocks from my house since June, which is the worst it’s ever been. It’s gotten better the past two months or so, and I’ve been able to extend my radius by a few blocks, but still frustrating, especially when you really do want the help/to see someone regularly.

      3. Yeah, I know how you feel. Currently I’m barely comfortable leaving our bedroom but there have been times since my breakdown when I’ve managed short trips out with a support worker. It’s horrible how much it can fluctuate.

      4. 😦 Aw. I can relate to that. I’ve gone through long stretches of not being able to leave my bedroom… to the point where leaving to even just go to the bathroom or the kitchen was panic-inducing. It’s awful and not fun. I’m glad to hear you’ve been able to manage short trips 🙂 And yes, the fluctuating is awful. Like, you feel like you’re getting better and then all of the sudden you feel like you’re back where you started.

      5. I’m at the bottom of a pretty awful downward bit right now, we started a new therapy before I was ready and I’m back in the bedroom again. Hoping that once I’ve had some proper preparation and done this EMDR treatment for my PTSD that the agoraphobia will subside a bit. *fingers crossed*

  2. You are not a failure. It isn’t easy. Just take small steps and mark those as accomplishments. I am glad you have a very understanding and supportive boyfriend. That is good. We all have our bad days. When we have a bad day it doesn’t mean the next day will be bad too. Try to stay positive and focus on the good things in your life.

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