Today tried to leave my house for the first time in a week. Initially, I was able to get out of the door – which was successful in itself.
We were going to my boyfriends friends house. He lives six blocks away or so – a girl was having a birthday party.
I think I made it five minutes before I started crying and had to leave.
I’m thankful that my boyfriend was so sweet about it.
I feel so dejected.
The fear started to build in the car, when I looked up from picking out music and realized that we were not close to my house anymore. And we had to cross a bridge. I fucking hate bridges. They always give me these immediate jolts of panic that are hard to shake off.
Then when we got to the house, we were outside and it was cold, and I started worrying because I’ve been sick the past few weeks, and I felt dehydrated, and I realized I hadn’t eaten anything all day and was tired because I spent about 8 hours doing major cleaning in the house.
I just wish I could be normal.
Go to a small get together and be able to not break down crying within five minutes because I can’t handle it because it’s not at my house.
I wish that I was better.
I feel so ashamed.
This feeling is awful.
I’m not panicked anymore.
I still panicked even though I took a lot more medication than I normally would. The panic still was able to cross the barriers of benzo’s. Great.
I probably would have been fine if I had been drinking, but I really hate drinking, and I have been sick so didn’t want to make myself worse.
I’ve also been craving social interaction lately. I want to be out and about with people. I want to make new friends, and reconnect with old ones.What gives? Why can’t I just keep my shit together like everyone else?
I hate crying in front of people. I hate their pity. I don’t want to be pitied. I get so embarrassed. Now that I’m home, I just feel totally worthless and embarrassed, and I don’t want this to happen again! I’m supposed to go out tomorrow night, for my weekly outing… and the next night to a concert (which is only a block away from my house, which is amazing, and a rock n roll icon I’m overjoyed to see, but still afraid that I’ll have to leave). What gives? I know this isn’t who I am. This is NOT me. Anyway, thanks for listening. I’m going to leave you with the song that was able to calm me down on the drive back to my house.