I managed to get out of the house today. I went to an area that’s only a few blocks from the house. I was able to go into a vintage clothing store I’ve been wanting to go to for a long time. I bought an adorable cropped leather jacket that looks perfect with my corsets. I went to the fabric store and bought material to make new curtains and a mini-skirt. My boyfriend and I got coffee and bagels, and even went to a car lot to look at cars for me.
After a few hours I started getting anxious. My boyfriend wanted to go to a music store that was a few blocks away. He wanted to walk, and then I got really anxious. I started thinking about every possible scenario that things could go wrong. And how if we walked, we wouldn’t be able to quickly get back to the house. So I said that I wanted to drive, but then I started thinking about any red lights we might hit on the way, and started panicking and had to go home.
I was able to recover quickly after we got back to the house, and we walked to a park a block away and let my dog run around and threw the ball for her. It was really nice. I haven’t been able to do that in months. I haven’t been able to do any of that in months.
My boyfriend still wanted to go to the music store, and kept asking if I was okay to go yet… I kept trying to get it together to go, and finally thought I felt okay to go. When we got in the car, the car was going for about five seconds before I got a huge, overpowering jolt of panic and told him I didn’t think I could do it. He stopped the car, let me out, and said he’d see me in a bit.
Even though I did all of that stuff today (which is absolutely huge for me, and I haven’t been able to do those things in months, since May or June), I feel really upset with myself for not being able to go to the music store. I wanted to go, but I just got too panicked and terrified. I also feel embarrassed and ashamed that I wasn’t able to go. When I got out of the car and walked back to my door, I just wanted to kick myself. It was so painful and shameful.
I know I made progress today, but it feels like my failure completely overshadows any progress that I did make. I feel like a complete letdown. I keep asking myself why I can’t just be normal, and why I can’t seem to just be able to do simple things like ride in the car down the street to go to a music store without feeling doom in the pit of my stomach, like the entire fucking world is going to come crashing down around me and end if I continue on, or get too far away from my house.
Thanks for reading.
Love always, Artemis.
And of course, music to go along with how I feel.
The Earth is Not a Cold Dead Place – A Silver Mt. Zion