What if?

I hate the feeling of apprehension.

A million fucking “what if’s” run through my head before I do anything.

I’ve been doing better lately, but I can’t get these fucking “what if” scenarios out of my head.

Currently it’s, “yeah, I want to go to the party, but what if I get a panic attack and embarrass you/myself? What if I hyperventilate and die? What if I get so panicked on the drive over that I try to jump out of a moving vehicle? What if I panic on the drive over? What if people are doing drugs there? What if I get a contact high? What if I  get stranded there? What if I can’t get a ride back home?” And it continues. And I work myself up into a frenzy, which is where I am currently.

I just wish I could stop thinking about all of these what-if scenarios and just be in the present moment. I’ve been doing a lot of mindful meditation, have been pouring through everything by Eckhart Tolle, trying to pull myself into the present moment and out of these overwhelming unlikely future possible scenarios. Ugh.

What if I have fun? What if I actually make some fucking friends? Jesus. I need to calm the fuck down.

I hate drinking, but I think I’ll go pour myself a stiff one.

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