I’m exhausted because I don’t sleep.

TYPING!

I had a wonderful mothers day today; I think I made my mom really happy. I surprised her with flowers, chocolate, and we even went out and got our nails done. I’m proud of myself because I didn’t get any panic attacks on the drive, or at the nail salon…. Normally I get really nervous in situations where I can’t leave, or am confined to one place… but today I didn’t.

In other news, I’m totally exhausted. I think I might have gotten an hour of sleep. I’m not entirely sure – but I know it was barely any. My sleep schedule is so incredibly messed up, it makes my head spin. I never know what time I’m going to be able to fall asleep, or what hour of the day I’m going to wake up. Sleeping past noon makes me feel like such a lazy ass. I’m so hard on myself, and so critical. I wish I could just be one of those morning people, that just wakes up naturally, and… ugh. I need to work on my habits, routines, sleep schedule, and all that good stuff. I feel so lost so much of the time. I don’t leave the house very often, so I have absolutely no structure whatsoever. It’s not that I’m a lazy person. I’m not lazy. I actually tend to be overly ambitious, motivated, and excited about starting projects, finding lucrative ways of earning a living from my home, art, and whatever else. I’m not a couch potato. I do play video games, but I spend more time making stuff and doing creative stuff than I do gaming.

Anyway, I’m going to sleep.

I love Sleep.

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All dressed up with nowhere to go…

confusing

Today I got totally dolled up. I even put on fake eyelashes. Why? I honestly have no idea. I’ve been feeling good about myself after losing a few pounds, but… Well, I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. I could take a million shameless selfies, but I probably wouldn’t post them anywhere because I don’t want to annoy all of my Facebook friends. I’d like to go out somewhere, but my anxiety is preventing me from wanting to actually drive anywhere or do anything.

So, I’m at home, alone, looking hot as hell. Man, this sucks.

I guess I got all dolled up to play video games.

… and I guess that’s okay. But I do wish I was going somewhere. Anywhere.

Audrey Hepburn

Anime Review: Golden Time

Golden Time

First, I was thrilled the moment that Nana made an appearance in this anime. I love Nana (the anime), and if you haven’t checked it out yet, I highly suggest it. I may just have to write a review on that as well…

But seeing as I’ve just finished Golden Time from (literally) start to finish, I thought I’d share my thoughts with you on it.

I’m one of those people who, when I find a series that I love, I will marathon the shit out of it from start to finish. However, those series for me are few and far between. Too often, I’ll find myself disinterested within the first few episodes, or stalling out eventually. The series might be good, but my ADD kicks in and I find myself doing something else.

At no point in Golden Time did this happen. This anime has so many elements that I love.

 

Characters

golden time nana slap

 One thing I love, is when characters actually, you know, develop. Here’s one that seems small, but I really appreciate: the characters change their hair styles from time to time. They change their looks, and experiment with their personal identities as they grow.

All of the characters in Golden Time progress emotionally in a very deep and real way. Yes, there’s a lot of that over-the-top, larger-than-life anime drama, but it’s reminiscent of real life just exaggerated. I found myself generally caring about each of the characters, even ones who weren’t really main characters.

The character development is phenomenal.

 

Plot

golden time rain dancing

 I must say, when I see a plot that revolves around something as cliche as amnesia, I give an automatic eye roll. It’s one of those plots that I automatically associate with: they ran out of ideas, they don’t want to take the time to fully develop the main character – what’s easier than a blank slate?

Those things I said in the previous paragraph do not apply to Golden Time. In fact, I am thoroughly amazed at how the main character has amnesia, and although this is one of the biggest parts of the plot, it is done so seamlessly that it makes you forget any reservations you had with it in the first place.

Oh, and there’s a love triangle. However, this love triangle is one that genuinely had me deep in thought as to how I wanted the outcome to be. I won’t give any spoilers, but the way that the “love triangle” (love triangle is really the best word I can think for it) is set up is done so well, that you will be emotionally torn at some points, and completely sure of what you want to happen at other points.

Final Thoughts

golden time goodbye

I don’t tear up easily at things that I watch. This anime had me feeling more feels than I’ve felt in a long time. I went through a whirlwind of emotions; fear, sadness, happiness, relief, and cute bubbly feelings. If you want to watch something that’s going to keep you hooked from start to finish, go for this one.

Punk Rock

two words for you

Punk has been a big part of my life. I went pretty overboard with it in high school.

I was that girl. The one with the giant mohawk. All my friends were punk. I only listened to punk music. It definitely kept me in a box for a while, but it also saved my life.

I got into it all at a pretty young age. I first realized I wanted to “be a punk” when I was maybe 10. I also saw Blink-182 that year. I totally lied about ever liking them years later. Now I could care less.

I was angry and frustrated. I got picked on and bullied a lot. In junior high all the girls made fun of me for how I looked, and the boys liked to follow me home from school and run their bikes into me. As a result I had very low self esteem, felt hopeless, and hated pretty much everything.

Things changed a lot when I discovered punk rock. When the jocks were bullying me, I could put on Jock-o-Rama by the Dead Kennedys and thrash around, feeling a new sense of empowerment that had previously been completely foreign to me.  At 14, I shaved a mohawk (it was glorious and stood at 2 feet… I’m still kind of proud of it). I got so fed up with high school, that I decided to transfer into a independent studies program and go to the community college full time for highschool credits after only my second semester. By age 16 I was going to punk shows every weekend, and a lot of weekdays. My school schedule gave me a whole lot of freedom as far as going where I wanted, when I wanted. I made lots of punk friends. We would all hang out in front of the local record store, just sort of, looking punk together.

I got into anarchism, existentialism… started protesting a lot (this was during the Bush administration). I volunteered at the local anarchist infoshop at 14, which was interesting to say the least. I started playing drums, played music with people, and more than anything, I found a sense of identity and community that I’d never experienced before in my life. To this day, I still think that punks are some of the sweetest kids out there. Also, some of the brightest, and smartest, and I still have an immense love for punk rock.

I also probably stressed myself out way too much about politics at a really young age.

So, I dressed super punk, was really into punk. I spent my 18th birthday getting a tattoo (although it wasn’t my first). I also got tons of piercings, and looked pretty crazy.

So, there’s a point to this, I promise.

First, I’d like to say that I’ve never been into doing drugs. I did experiment with a couple things (hallucinogenics) in my late teens. I smoked pot for a bit. But, that was too much for me to handle. I’ve actually had an ambulance called on two occasions because I got to stoned and couldn’t handle my shit. Did I ever try heroin or meth? No. Any hard drugs? No, not really. Not my thing.

The problem, is that because I dressed and looked punk, I was constantly being targeted. Where did I go wrong?

I’m from the bay area. People are pretty liberal and easy going there. They’re used to seeing punks, goths, hippies, alternative people, wingnuts, and just straight weirdos.

So, of course, I move to a tiny town in bumfuck nowhere, where I was a constant target of the police.

At first, I thought I was crazy because the police would park on my lawn (literally, on my lawn, not even on the street), and just stake out my house.

I got a speeding ticket while parked in my driveway, and another for not having my insurance in my car (while in my driveway, just had gone to the car to look for my homework).

At the time I was going to college full time, and had a 45 minute drive to school each way. The police were constantly (practically on a daily basis), pulling me over and threatening to take me to jail because I had out of state license plates. They would threaten to tow my car, and just generally harass me.

This also coincided with when I started developing my anxiety problems. I stopped driving almost entirely. I dropped out of school in the middle of the semester, even though I was getting all A’s.

It was when they searched my house twice because they had got an anonymous tip that there was a meth lab in my house that I decided to move. I also began developing a phobia of drugs around this point.

Also, the summer previous to all this, I’d been detained by homeland security for 12 hours while they pointed rifles at me and accused me of smuggling drugs across the state line (dammit, really? no.), and then was detained a few weeks later by the secret service (I shit you not!), while they questioned me about my political beliefs. I’d just been parked and was meeting up with some old and dear friends (we were all pretty punk), when several unmarked cars pulled up, a SWAT van, and four cop cars. “Would you consider yourself to be an anarchist?” “What are your political beliefs?” Apparently Obama was going to be in the area, I had no idea.

Punk Alice

So, I tried to clean up my act. I took out most of my piercings but one. I started trying to go for a more rockabilly look. Swing dresses, heels, dressing very nice altogether. It actually felt good, and empowering all over again.

However, now that I’ve been seeking help for the various mental problems I’d like to get under control, I’m constantly told that I “present very well,” and therefore don’t seem to be someone who is really in need of help.

It’s maddening. After trying to seek help for the past few years, I’m constantly being treated and even accused of being a drug addict trying to just get meds. I get that people do that. Really, I do. And that’s great. But looking at my records, anyone will see that I’m not just some druggy, and I legitimately need and want help for all this crap. I’m so fed up and frustrated by being profiled, judged by my appearance, and generally treated like trash. Thank you for listening. ❤

Anxiety, yo.

anxiety

Anxiety. Man, does it suck. That may be my biggest understatement ever.

A bit about me:

I’ve been diagnosed with Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, PTSD, OCD, ADHD, Bi-Polar and SAD. I’m pretty much in a constant state of nervousness and fear. I’ve been dealing with it for a couple years now. It’s gotten worse, better, worse, and better. I feel like I’m on a giant emotional roller coaster.

For the past few years I’ve been actively trying to seek help as much as possible, despite, you know, having problems leaving the house. I don’t know how many medications I’ve been on, or how many therapists, psychiatrists and doctors I have seen altogether. A lot. I feel like I’ve missed out on so much.

The key to survival for me has been trying to maintain as positive an outlook as I possibly can on life. It’s not always easy to maintain, but I honestly think that constantly trying to be positive is what has been keeping me from really going off the deep end in sadness, despair, and all of that other awful stuff that is way too easy to spiral into. I’ve managed to be self-employed from my home, and make a decent living. I might get into some of that in a later post, as it’s pretty interesting and hilarious at times how resourceful I’ve gotten when it comes to not being homeless and actually living fairly well.

Sage Francis – Worry Not

Despite many things that seem to constantly thwart my plans, ambition, and outlook, I know I’m getting better, and I will get there.

Think Happy Thoughts!